It's 00:57AM.
10 minutes ago I was in the midst of a bad panic attack. I had just sent a goodnight message to my fiancé. I laid my head upon my pillow, the room dark, then BAM!
Screaming, heart palpitating, chest tight, hyperventilating...
PANIC.
Something I'm used to...never gets any easier.
But what is the first thing I do once my breath eases and my heart slows gently? I grab my laptop and youtube 'calming music' (which I've never done after a panic attack), and I go straight to blogger and write...
The truth is my attacks come from fear. There I admitted it... They all root in fear, they're breathed from it, birthed from it, they strengthen from it. Fear conquers the attack and the attack conquers the victim.
Oh how I wish I had a stop button, the second it started, that I could push and it magically disappear. I can't tell you the amount of prayers that have been spoken, the pairs of lips that have been used. The amount of letters God got in His letter box concerning this, but the more I panic the more I realise that it all starts there.
All of our journeys start in fear and in panic. When we are born we come out crying, scared, unsure, our mothers start our journey in fear of what is to come...the responsibility of keeping us safe, raising us right, and teaching us all we need to know to face the world... and we end in fear, fear of where we will go when we die, fear of how our loved ones will cope without us, and fear of the unknown.
BUT, I choose despite my fear, despite the panic attacks that I will strive to do the scariest thing I can think to do, and give my fear to someone else. Someone I have not yet met, but who makes me strong, someone I can feel all around me, but yet I cannot see, someone who knows my heart, but is yet to feel its pulse. Forgetting all that is unknown, I choose to set my fear upon something which is in so many ways hidden from me, but is yet in so many ways, is the thing that is the most open and honest outlet I know to burden my fears upon.
within the upmost source of all who I am, all who I was and all who I will be.
My life is a journey, mine happens to be one tainted in fear, worry, anxiety and panic. One that manifests itself around mental health. An imbalance that allows my body to process the world in a way that is different to my neighbour, but who would want to be just like the person next to you anyways? If we are all on a journey I want to do it my way, unapologetically my way, but I know I cannot do it alone, because in order to know what is my way, I must seek the knowledge, the knowledge, which lies in another. Something that is found within..
God.
Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end.
Despite all of the fear and uncertainty life may bring, I pray just like in Ecclesiastes that everything under heaven has a perfect timing. It may not be my timing, but I have to hope that in His timing things will be made right. For He is the author of my life, the creator of my being, and if anyone should know what is best for me, it is my Father God.
I have no reasoning for this post... I may never even write here again. I just felt that I needed to write. To turn the panic into something else, so the attack I had tonight was released from me as quickly from which it came. It was turned from fear into something hopeful.
So God, I know you're listening, you even knew these words before I did, but my prayer is to be less fearful, to be more mindful of my fear and being more hopeful that I may be free of such things. For I know it is not your will that your children be weighed down by such worries, never knowing when panic may attack. So please God keep a watch, aid me in battling my attacker called fear. Please God hear my prayer.
Amen.
10 minutes ago I was in the midst of a bad panic attack. I had just sent a goodnight message to my fiancé. I laid my head upon my pillow, the room dark, then BAM!
Screaming, heart palpitating, chest tight, hyperventilating...
PANIC.
Something I'm used to...never gets any easier.
But what is the first thing I do once my breath eases and my heart slows gently? I grab my laptop and youtube 'calming music' (which I've never done after a panic attack), and I go straight to blogger and write...
The truth is my attacks come from fear. There I admitted it... They all root in fear, they're breathed from it, birthed from it, they strengthen from it. Fear conquers the attack and the attack conquers the victim.
Oh how I wish I had a stop button, the second it started, that I could push and it magically disappear. I can't tell you the amount of prayers that have been spoken, the pairs of lips that have been used. The amount of letters God got in His letter box concerning this, but the more I panic the more I realise that it all starts there.
All of our journeys start in fear and in panic. When we are born we come out crying, scared, unsure, our mothers start our journey in fear of what is to come...the responsibility of keeping us safe, raising us right, and teaching us all we need to know to face the world... and we end in fear, fear of where we will go when we die, fear of how our loved ones will cope without us, and fear of the unknown.
BUT, I choose despite my fear, despite the panic attacks that I will strive to do the scariest thing I can think to do, and give my fear to someone else. Someone I have not yet met, but who makes me strong, someone I can feel all around me, but yet I cannot see, someone who knows my heart, but is yet to feel its pulse. Forgetting all that is unknown, I choose to set my fear upon something which is in so many ways hidden from me, but is yet in so many ways, is the thing that is the most open and honest outlet I know to burden my fears upon.
within the upmost source of all who I am, all who I was and all who I will be.
My life is a journey, mine happens to be one tainted in fear, worry, anxiety and panic. One that manifests itself around mental health. An imbalance that allows my body to process the world in a way that is different to my neighbour, but who would want to be just like the person next to you anyways? If we are all on a journey I want to do it my way, unapologetically my way, but I know I cannot do it alone, because in order to know what is my way, I must seek the knowledge, the knowledge, which lies in another. Something that is found within..
God.
Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end.
Despite all of the fear and uncertainty life may bring, I pray just like in Ecclesiastes that everything under heaven has a perfect timing. It may not be my timing, but I have to hope that in His timing things will be made right. For He is the author of my life, the creator of my being, and if anyone should know what is best for me, it is my Father God.
I have no reasoning for this post... I may never even write here again. I just felt that I needed to write. To turn the panic into something else, so the attack I had tonight was released from me as quickly from which it came. It was turned from fear into something hopeful.
***
So God, I know you're listening, you even knew these words before I did, but my prayer is to be less fearful, to be more mindful of my fear and being more hopeful that I may be free of such things. For I know it is not your will that your children be weighed down by such worries, never knowing when panic may attack. So please God keep a watch, aid me in battling my attacker called fear. Please God hear my prayer.
Amen.
Phillipians 4:13 ' I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.'
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